Emergency! Please Help!

Wednesday 30 November 2011, 10:19 pm   ///  

I really hope this gets to you in time! During a trip to Brookline, Massachusetts I was robbed — robbed of all poetic impulse. All of the brilliance of language was stolen from me. My poetic license was taken as well. I need your help encountering English once again.

I know the unusual diction of this note, the unusual nature of this request, the fact that I am using more than one exclamation point per email, and the fact that it is being sent to everyone in my address book must make it seem like my account was hacked, but I assure you, that’s not the case!

I’ve made contact with my library but the best they could do was to send me a poem the mail which will take 3-5 working days to arrive here. I need you to lend me some words to sort my self out of this predicament.

It would be a great help if you’d just quickly reply (you can use that “comment” mechanism, below) with a single memorable phrase, or some sort of short litany or list, or the current contents of your copy and paste buffer, or a Google search result, or a paragraph, joke, riddle, or even haiku.

I’ll pay you back as soon as I can!

Thanks,

-Nick

67 Comments »

  1. NITWIT BLUBBER ODDMENT TWEAK

    Comment by Flourish — 2011-11-30 @ 10:28 pm
  2. AFAIK FWIW IANAL SAMPFAG

    Comment by Doug Orleans — 2011-11-30 @ 11:53 pm
  3. http://nickm.com/post/2011/11/emergency-please-help/ (sorry, it’s self-referential, but it is what was in the buffer)

    Comment by Dan Shiovitz — 2011-12-01 @ 12:10 am
  4. http://www.snopes.com/humor/lists/metaphor.asp

    THis was in my copy & paste buffer. But it’s full of some very helpful metaphors for your use.

    Comment by Anne Sullivan — 2011-12-01 @ 12:12 am
  5. My latest source of inspiration is art journaling. Here’s some of my favorites:

    http://pinterest.com/gillianms/art-journals/

    Comment by Gillian Smith — 2011-12-01 @ 12:20 am
  6. Non sunt in cœli quia fuccant uuiuys of heli

    Comment by Sam Kabo Ashwell — 2011-12-01 @ 12:25 am
  7. The gostak distims the doshes.

    Comment by Baf — 2011-12-01 @ 12:52 am
  8. Creature, Do you know your god?

    Comment by Tale — 2011-12-01 @ 12:59 am
  9. I may noght strecche up to the hevene / Min hand, ne setten al in evene / This world, which evere is in balance.

    Comment by Sharon Goetz — 2011-12-01 @ 1:02 am
  10. There’s a small infinite number of books here:

    http://www.strangehorizons.com/2011/20111017/librarians-f.shtml

    hopefully enough to tide you over until the main branch opens.

    Comment by Mark V. — 2011-12-01 @ 1:41 am
  11. Put your socks on before you put on pants. Socks are pant lubricants.

    Comment by Dan Fabulich — 2011-12-01 @ 1:44 am
  12. Just one word: plastics.

    Comment by Christine — 2011-12-01 @ 2:04 am
  13. Once upon a time there was Adventure.

    Comment by Manolis — 2011-12-01 @ 3:29 am
  14. I should have been a pair of ragged claws, Scuttling across the floors of — the hell with this, let’s go for a beer.

    Comment by Steve Hull — 2011-12-01 @ 3:36 am
  15. It is not difficult to avoid death, gentlemen; it is much more difficult to avoid wickedness, for it runs faster than death.

    Comment by Victor Gijsbers — 2011-12-01 @ 3:41 am
  16. don’t you go and cut your hair insert text here in brackets abandon hope ye who enter here i’m selling these fine leather jackets

    Comment by stadtgorilla — 2011-12-01 @ 3:48 am
  17. The rest of us learned to cope. The rest of us recoginzed the danger–of the endless envy of those not blessed. Diana went back to her people. Hal went to the stars. And I have walked the razor’s edge for so long… But you, Bruce–you, with your wild obsession.

    Comment by mort — 2011-12-01 @ 4:19 am
  18. It is dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

    Comment by Racheet Dave — 2011-12-01 @ 4:23 am
  19. The words were spoken. I saw that look upon her face. There was applause. The seated crowd went wild. The words were, ‘You are right.’ It was the first she’d ever said them.

    Of course. I knew that this would happen. There was a pause. A whisper to a child. And that look again — love, but of a space beside my head. Like being cornered in a dream. Like painted augury, in a cracked and peeling world. Wrapped up in gauze, and seeping bloody bile

    Thus and thus were we divorced From all the things we couldn’t be Why on Earth must this have happened so? There was no cause. And that’s to put it rather mild. There was just… a pause. And a whisper to a child.

    Comment by Laroquod — 2011-12-01 @ 5:33 am
  20. The man who was not Terrence O’Grady had come quietly. And that, Sam insisted, was clear proof. Terry had never done anything quietly in his life if there was a way to get a fight out of it.

    Comment by Paul A. — 2011-12-01 @ 9:28 am
  21. Meaningful use? As in trying to prevent the opposite.

    Comment by Dan Whatley — 2011-12-01 @ 9:41 am
  22. She probably had a bus seat every God-damn day of her life. She may even have been born on a bus and had a lifetime ticket, and when she died, they’d take her coffin on a bus to the cemetery. It would be painted black of course and all the seats filled with flowers like crazy passengers. Some people don’t appreciate how good they’ve got it.

    Comment by Felix Larsson — 2011-12-01 @ 10:14 am
  23. I know, during a trip to Brookline Massachusetts I’ve made contact with Google. All of the brilliance of language, all poetic impulse gets to you once again.

    It will take 3-5 working days encountering English (in) my library but I assure you, that’s not the case! You can use that mechanism, and find a single memorable phrase, or some sort of short litany or list, or refill the contents of your copy and paste buffer, or a search result (duh), or a paragraph, joke, riddle, or even haiku.

    I’ll pay you back (google) as soon as I can!

    Thanks,

    -Nick

    Comment by Esen — 2011-12-01 @ 10:52 am
  24. Again and again: http://en.lmgtfy.com/?q=inspiration

    Comment by Esen — 2011-12-01 @ 10:54 am
  25. You know, I can not help but notice but help not; can I know you?

    Comment by Sonny Rae — 2011-12-01 @ 11:07 am
  26. It’s been a long time that he’s been laughing. To me, it seems like there’s something else I should say.

    Comment by KarrRenick — 2011-12-01 @ 11:48 am
  27. May God protect you from His followers.

    Comment by Nikos — 2011-12-01 @ 12:21 pm
  28. I really hope this gets to you in time! During a trip to Brookline, Massachusetts was stolen – stolen all the poetic impulse. All the glitter language was stolen from me. My poetic license was taken as well. I need your help once again encountering English.

    I know, an unusual style of this article, this unusual request that I use more than one exclamation point in an e-mail, as well as the fact that he sent to everyone in my address book to make it seem like my account was hacked, but I assure you, it’s not!

    I came in contact with my library, but the best thing they could do is send me a poem-mail, which will take 3-5 working days to arrive here. I need to borrow a few words to me to sort my self out of this predicament.

    It would be a great help if you just answer quickly (you can use that “comment” mechanism below) with a memorable phrase or a short litany or list, or the current contents of your clipboard to copy and paste, or the result of search Google, or item, jokes, riddles, or even a haiku.

    I’ll pay you back as soon as I can!

    Thank you,

    -Nick

    Comment by Kevin Jackson-Mead — 2011-12-01 @ 12:32 pm
  29. I cannot give the reasons I only sing the tunes: The sadness of the seasons The madness of the moons.

    Comment by kateri — 2011-12-01 @ 3:18 pm
  30. 404: Help not found

    Comment by Eniac — 2011-12-01 @ 3:24 pm
  31. I used to be in your position, too. Then I took an arrow to the knee.

    Comment by Herey — 2011-12-01 @ 3:24 pm
  32. Flashblood Hyperbolic metamaterials Nonconsensual collaboration Neural gawkiness Panoptiswarm Normal misremembering scenario Sundae of broken dreams Natonalized couchsurfing Urban glacier Clockwork trees Jaguar shamans Ghostmodernism

    Comment by vodun — 2011-12-01 @ 4:29 pm
  33. 8,125

    Comment by Mark Sample — 2011-12-01 @ 4:44 pm
  34. The average time to PhD in the humanities is 9 years. And half drop out. See graphic

    Comment by merb — 2011-12-01 @ 4:47 pm
  35. Hello,

    Attached is your essay grade with my comments.

    Comment by Ian — 2011-12-01 @ 4:53 pm
  36. Lorem ipsum 2011 (bytes)

    Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Ut sit amet augue varius turpis congue placerat. Sed eleifend, risus eget hendrerit egestas, turpis enim ullamcorper nisi, at lobortis ipsum mauris a sapien. Aliquam nisi sem, malesuada quis mollis vel, venenatis vel tortor. Proin vel ipsum suscipit ante aliquam posuere et placerat sapien. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Suspendisse sit amet rutrum nulla. Donec sit amet mauris sit amet metus sagittis fringilla sed non justo.

    Proin dignissim, ligula at iaculis molestie, nisi tellus venenatis mauris, eu volutpat felis dolor ullamcorper leo. Quisque vel libero erat. Nam volutpat turpis in tortor adipiscing aliquet. Nulla nec nisl sed nibh molestie posuere. Cras et lectus eget turpis ullamcorper pulvinar. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos himenaeos. Aenean elit massa, ultricies ac venenatis blandit, blandit ac tellus. Pellentesque luctus diam vitae lorem facilisis nec pulvinar erat elementum. Praesent enim nibh, adipiscing eu semper et, venenatis a enim. Duis non massa at est luctus tincidunt non et est. Aenean massa dolor, sollicitudin in sodales vel, fermentum at elit. Suspendisse potenti.

    Curabitur blandit lectus volutpat sem cursus at pulvinar elit ultricies. Sed non nisi orci. Aliquam fringilla, massa eget vulputate volutpat, eros eros pretium velit, a fringilla erat purus sed mi. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; In aliquet magna vitae odio mattis quis pulvinar lectus ultricies. Integer at lorem nec quam sagittis consequat. Cras scelerisque felis eget leo egestas eu pulvinar eros porta. Nam ut adipiscing erat. Phasellus justo metus, eleifend eu blandit a, fringilla at lectus. Vivamus vestibulum, tellus at scelerisque molestie, mauris augue faucibus lacus, quis bibendum arcu sapien quis purus. Cras facilisis metus sed nulla sollicitudin at tristique massa luctus nullam.

    Comment by Kimon Keramidas — 2011-12-01 @ 4:57 pm
  37. it’ll all end in tears; probably already has.

    Comment by Stewart — 2011-12-01 @ 5:00 pm
  38. BOURNEMOUTH UNIVERSITY PT HOURS PAYROLL CLAIM (month) (year)

            Tick relevant box
    VISITING LECTURER If self-employed please complete
    PART-TIME LECTURER form C/SP
    CASUAL STAFF

    THIS FORM MUST BE COMPLETED IN FULL AND RETURNED TO SCHOOL/PROFESSIONAL SERVICE BY 7TH OF FOLLOWING MONTH. FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH DEADLINE WILL RESULT IN PAYMENT DELAY. Title Forename Surname Employee no. Home Address Daytime Tel. Number School/Professional Service Date of Birth National Insurance number Gender Male or Female Normal place of Employment Bank Details Sort Code – – Reference Please highlight any changes to above information. Day Date Course Taught or Work Yr of Subject Time Time Hours undertaken Course (teaching claim only) From To

                            TOTAL(Hrs)

    Day Date Type of expenses (i.e. Fuel costs, Rail fares, Subsistence etc.) £

    Please note: All Academic staff will automatically join the Teachers’ Pension Scheme unless an opt-out TOTAL (£) form is completed and sent to Payroll. Casual Non Academic staff are not eligible to join the Local Government Superannuation Scheme. I certify that the details given above are correct and that I have personally performed the duties for which payment is claimed.

    Signature of Claimant Date

    Signature of Head of Academic Department or Professional Service Date (for teaching claims only) School/Professional Service to complete next section : Hours / Rate e.g. Account Activity Code Scale/rate if variation Expenses £ / flat / double / time & a half or fee Code (Inc. S VAT code)

    Signature of School/Professional Service Authorised Person Date FOR OFFICE USE ONLY:

    Input by: Payslip Checked by:

    Comment by J. R. Carpenter — 2011-12-01 @ 5:02 pm
  39. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STEv-U_-R2Y

    Comment by Jean — 2011-12-01 @ 5:52 pm
  40. And this was odd, because two Americans re-encountering each other after a certain time in a foreign land are supposed to clamber up their nearest lammposts and wait tremblingly for it all to blow over.

    Comment by jordan — 2011-12-01 @ 6:05 pm
  41. <p>http-equiv=”Content-Type” content=”text/html; charset=UTF-8″</p>

    Comment by Benjamin — 2011-12-01 @ 6:19 pm
  42. I will not buy this record, it is scratched.

    Comment by Justin — 2011-12-01 @ 6:24 pm
  43. Paste buffer: http://www.intfiction.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=3824&p=27328

    The first phrase I remembered was “kickworthy young heel.”

    Comment by matt w — 2011-12-01 @ 9:03 pm
  44. Any time you wanna start working, nose spray, inhaler, antibiotic,

    Comment by Pansypotter — 2011-12-02 @ 12:25 am
  45. My eyes are smaller than I think.

    Comment by Chris — 2011-12-02 @ 1:33 am
  46. I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

    Comment by Peter Pears — 2011-12-02 @ 6:51 am
  47. The falcon cannot hear the falconer. Things fall apart. The centre does not hold.

    Comment by Peter Pears — 2011-12-02 @ 6:52 am
  48. We’ve had the experience but missed the meaning.

    Comment by Peter Pears — 2011-12-02 @ 6:52 am
  49. And now was acknowledged the presence of the Red Death. He had come like a thief in the night. And one by one dropped the revellers in the blood-bedewed halls of their revel, and died each in the despairing posture of his fall. And the life of the ebony clock went out with that of the last of the gay. And the flames of the tripods expired. And Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all.

    Comment by Peter Pears — 2011-12-02 @ 6:54 am
  50. Always look on the bright side of life.

    Comment by Peter Pears — 2011-12-02 @ 6:55 am
  51. Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.

    Comment by Peter Pears — 2011-12-02 @ 6:55 am
  52. Sia! Strofe, ultima dea! Ancor dona al tuo poeta la sfolgorante idea, la fiamma consueta. Io, a te, mentre tu vivida a me sgorghi dal cuore, darò per rima ul gelido spiro d’in uom che muore.

    Comment by Peter Pears — 2011-12-02 @ 6:58 am
  53. Words lost? Find help, Nick. Help find lost words.

    Comment by Mark Musante — 2011-12-02 @ 9:03 am
  54. For half a century Poetry was The solemn fools’ paradise. Until I came along With my rollercoaster. Get on it, if you want. But here’s my disclaimer: you might get off Bleeding through your mouths and noses.

    Nicanor Parra (1914-)

    Comment by josemanuel — 2011-12-03 @ 9:52 am
  55. The knowledge lives in webs and networks as it has in books. [Weinberger, not I]

    Comment by Patsy — 2011-12-03 @ 9:40 pm
  56. Speaking of Fuck…

    I can provide context if necessary.

    Comment by Marie — 2011-12-03 @ 11:53 pm
  57. any time after 7:35 PM

    Comment by Marie — 2011-12-03 @ 11:55 pm
  58. Responding to stadtgorilla:

    All hope abandon, ye who enter in! – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1882) All hope abandon, ye who enter here – Henry Francis Cary (1805–1814) Leave every hope, ye who enter! – Charles Eliot Norton (1891) Leave all hope, ye that enter – Carlyle-Wicksteed (1932) Lay down all hope, you that go in by me. – Dorothy L. Sayers (1949) Abandon all hope, ye who enter here – John Ciardi (1954) Abandon every hope, you who enter. – Charles S. Singleton (1970) No room for hope, when you enter this place – C. H. Sisson (1980) Abandon every hope, who enter here. – Allen Mandelbaum (1982) Abandon all hope, you who enter here. – Robert Pinsky (1993) Abandon every hope, all you who enter – Mark Musa (1995) Abandon every hope, you who enter. – Robert M. Durling (1996)

    Verbatim, the line translates as “Leave (lasciate) every (ogne) hope (speranza), ye (voi) that (ch’) enter (intrate).” –{According to someone at wikipedia.org}

    Comment by Marie — 2011-12-04 @ 12:09 am
  59. http://mjcache.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/poetic-license21.jpg

    Comment by Anonymous — 2011-12-04 @ 10:17 pm
  60. She wanted to test her husband. She knew exactly what to do: A pseudonym, to fool him. She couldn’t have made a worse move.

    She sent him scented letters, And he received them with a strange delight. Just like his wife But how she was before the tears, And how she was before the years flew by, And how she was when she was beautiful.

    Comment by Babooshka — 2011-12-05 @ 7:52 am
  61. Trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, reverent.

    Comment by Chris C. — 2011-12-05 @ 10:12 am
  62. Nobody slows down for the school zone in front of the Montessori.

    Comment by Aric Maddux — 2011-12-05 @ 4:13 pm
  63. The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarous tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong, clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, “Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you’ll feel my steel through your last meal.”

    Comment by Anonymous — 2011-12-07 @ 12:25 pm
  64. It was the schooner Hesperus that listed in the sand, Dismasted and split against the rocks of that shadow land.

    Comment by Atavistic Narrativist — 2011-12-07 @ 5:49 pm
  65. She’s got it, yeah baby she’s got it. I’m your Venus, I’m your fire. What’s your desire?

    Comment by Kevin — 2011-12-15 @ 12:56 am
  66. If you asked him, the difference between whispering waves and wavering whispers wasn’t worth explaining.

    Comment by David DeSmith — 2011-12-15 @ 5:30 pm
  67. And I said here’s your fucking lunch.

    Comment by Scott — 2012-01-07 @ 7:47 pm

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