(align:"=><=")+(box: "=xx=")[You wake up, feather ruffled at the top of your head.
For a moment, stillness.
[[Until... -> Opening, Cacaphony]]]
(set: $visited_show_endings to (a:))
(set: $dispairs to (a:))
(set: $ambitions to (a:))
(set: $preactions to (a:))
(set: $actions to (a:))
(set: $pills_left to 10)
(set: $day to 0)
(set: $shows_watched_today to (a:))
(set: $lunch to false)CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY [''[[ESCAPE -> Opening, PondTV]]''] CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY
[[PondTV -> Guide]]
(if: $actions contains "check your email")[[Check your email]]
(if: $actions contains "apologize to Nina")[[Apologize to Nina]]
(if: $shows_watched_today's length is 1 and $lunch is false)[You are [[hungry ->Hungry]]
(text-colour:white)+(bg:navy)[(enchant:?hook,(bg:navy))[
(text-style: "blur")[ Guide
|=
8:00
=|=
9:00
=|=
10:00
=|=
11:00
=|=
12:00
|==|
"Fishfood" with Gordon Ram
Flaunt your Feathers
]
]
]
](else:)[
(text-colour:white)+(bg:navy)[(enchant:?hook,(bg:navy))[
Guide
|=
8:00
=|=
9:00
=|=
10:00
=|=
11:00
=|=
12:00
|==|
(if: $shows_watched_today's length is 2)[
[[Pond Watch ->Pond Watch]]
[[Pond Watch ->Pond Watch]]
[[Pond Watch ->Pond Watch]]
](else:)[
(if: $shows_watched_today's length is 1)[
(if: $shows_watched_today contains "'Fishfood' with Gordon Ram") [[["Fishfood" with Gordon Ram ->blur]]
](else: )[
[[Flaunt your Feathers->blur]]
]
] (else:) [
(if: (history:) contains " fishfood 1")[[["Fishfood" with Gordon Ram ->blur]]](else: )[[["Fishfood" with Gordon Ram -> fishfood 1]]]
(if: (history:) contains "Flaunt your Feathers")[[[Flaunt your Feathers->blur]]](else: )[[Flaunt your Feathers]]
]
]
]
]
]
//Fishfood, with Gordon Ram//, A show where the best chefs in Duckland compete to make the best [[seafood ->seafood]] they can for a big ram with a British accent. The twist: rams are (link-reveal: "herbivores")[ but Gordan Ram isn't. Well, sort of. Most of the ducks on the show try to make the fish take like plants, and [[Gordan -> Gordan 1]] seems like these the most. ]
(set: $shows_watched_today to $shows_watched_today + (a:"'Fishfood' with Gordon Ram"))
All of Gordon's shows have been a comfort to you since you were only molting your baby feathers. Sure, he could be mean, but he was only mean when he wanted his contestants to be better. Just as often, he would tell them how proud he was of them for succeeding. One time, he even paid for a [[kid -> Gordon, sous chef]] to go to culinary school.
A few months ago, you saw a clip of Gordon online as a young sous chef. He wasn't the star of the show; the camera was focused on some older, more arrogant chef. Gordon was in the background, tweezers between his hoofs, carefully placing garnishes atop ravioli. He seemed so shy, almost afraid. You cried, but you weren't sure [[why -> Gordon, father]] back then.Sometimes you wish Gordon Ram was your own dad. You always had the feeling that he would understand you. He wouldn't look at you like you were such a disappointment. He understood what it was like to be nervous, and he still accomplished his [[dreams -> Gordon, dreams]]. You often wondered who you would be now if you had someone like that in your life.You feel a rare rush of confidence. Maybe you could accomplish your dreams too? You [[think of all of your dreams -> Gordon, dreams 2]]You have none.
[[think harder -> Opening, Cacaphony]]
(have cacpohny and noise show up on a timer)This is your least favorite time of the day. You have a discount cable package; all of the programming stops after 8:00PM. The only thing you have to watch are serene videos of ponds, different ponds every night, from all over the world. You suppose this should be calming, but you're agitated, itching from the inside out. Without any other noise, any distraction, your mind is just too loud.
[[Go to sleep->go to sleep, sober]]
(if: $pills_left is 10)[[[The pills?->pills 1]]](else: )[[[The pills->pills 2]]]
(if: $preactions's length is not 0)[[Tolerate]]You go to bed, first turning on the radio. It's barely enough to keep you from sinking into your worries. Eventually, you fall into a troubled [[sleep->wake up]]
(set: $shows_watched_today to (a:))The doctor gave you these pills a few days ago. They said to take them when you feel like you're begging to panic. You almost laughe: you always feel like you’re on the verge of a meltdown. But now, at night, is always the worst time. The dark is so lonely. You are left with no one but yourself.
[[The pills.->pills 2]]
(link-replace: "I don't know...")[but the doctor said it was alright.
(link-replace: "Are you sure?")[Yes, we both heard him. He said take the pills.
]]
(if: $pills_left is 10)[
You take a pill. At first, you feel nothings. You start to worry: Maybe the pills don’t work on you. Maybe you’re too far [[gone... ->first time]].
](else:)[
You wait for the [[relief->first time]]
]
(set: $pills_left to $pills_left-1)
(enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0,transparent,0.0813,#000000,0.3718,#1919e6,0.5758,(hsl:270,0.8039,0.5,0.95),1,#000000)))
(if: $pills_left is 9)[And then it hits you. Suddenly, you are divided, pulled from yourself by the hands of angels. The pains of the body, the tribulations of the mind, You are removed from them. You can watch them from a distance, as easily as you can watch a show.]
(else: )
[And it arrives.]
[[Take a closer look ->reflection, drugged]]
[[Watch the pond ->watching ponds, drugged]]
[[Go to sleep ->go to sleep, drugged]]
(enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0,transparent,0.0813,#000000,0.3718,#1919e6,0.5758,(hsl:270,0.8039,0.5,0.95),1,#000000)))
What are you so worried about anyways? You've tried to distract yourself for so long that you've forgotten
(if: $shows_watched_today contains "'Fishfood' with Gordon Ram")[[You have no goals ->goals reflection 1.1]]
(if: $shows_watched_today contains "Flaunt your Feathers")[[Nina must hate you ->Nina reflection 1.1]]
(if: $shows_watched_today contains "Stalking Scrooge")[[You have no friends ->Nina reflection 1.1]]They are beautiful. So, so beautiful.
You stare for hours.
[[Go to sleep ->go to sleep, drugged]]
(enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0,transparent,0.0813,#000000,0.3718,#1919e6,0.5758,(hsl:270,0.8039,0.5,0.95),1,#000000)))You close your eyes. You are a ripple in the water. It is quiet at last. You drift to [[sleep ->wake up]]
(enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0,transparent,0.0813,#000000,0.3718,#1919e6,0.5758,(hsl:270,0.8039,0.5,0.95),1,#000000)))
(set: $shows_watched_today to (a:))(enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0,transparent,0.0813,#000000,0.3718,#1919e6,0.5758,(hsl:270,0.8039,0.5,0.95),1,#000000)))
It's true, you don't really have any goals. Do you even have anything you enjoy? You used to like math. You felt accomplished when you solved a problem, and you loved that warm feeling when you got an A. You're going to school to study engineering, but you haven't been to class in awhile. Even before you stopped going, you did so poorly on every assignment that it's sapped out any joy you once found in it. Every time you take a test, your future flashes before your eyes: you'll fail this class, drop out of college, and do nothing but watch TV in your parent's basement for the rest of your life. It's funny, that's not so different from what you're doing right now.
You'd like to start going to class again, but you don't know how.
[[It's alright ->go to sleep, drugged]]
(set: $ambitions to $ambitions + (a:"go back to school"))(align:"=><=")+(box: "=xx=")[You wake up, feather ruffled at the top of your head.
For a moment, stillness.
[[Until... -> Opening, Cacaphony]]]
(set: $lunch to false)You haven't had seafood in awhile, despite it being one of your favorites. Even though you watch cooking shows all the time, you're a terrible chef. Most of the time, you just keep bread around the house, the cheap kind that never goes bad. When you were growing up, you [[dad->dad]] used to make steamed trout.You haven't talked to him in awhile, your dad. He doesn't seem to really understand why you haven't found a job, or joined clubs, or made many new friends. To be fair to him, you don't either. He doesn't really [[push you -> Gordon, father]] to do those things, he more just //looks// disappointed when you don't. Which is worse. A lot worse.You're hungry. It feels almost impossible to move your body from the couch, but the empty growling in your stomach drives you forward.
(live: 2s)[Only moments after you step away from the TV, a wave of tension begins to crash over you.]
(live: 4s)[You grab a piece of white bread and begin to eat. ]
(live: 6s)[(if: $ambitions contains "go back to school")[[You have no goals ->lunch - goals]]
(if: $ambitions contains "make up to Nina")[[Nina hates you ->lunch - Nina]]]
(live: 8s)[[[PondTV -> Guide]]]
(set: $self_responses to (a:))
(set: $right to true)
(set: $lunch to true)(scroll:?page, 1)
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: "You can’t help but think about school again; it’s been on your mind since you thought about the other night. Why haven’t you been back in so long?"))
(display: "Messenger")
|=
[[Because you're lazy]]
=|
[[Because you're nervous]]
|==|
(scroll:?page, 1)
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: "You can’t help but think about Nina again; she’s been on your mind all week. What can you do to fix this?"))
(display: "Messenger")
[[Call her?]]
(scroll:?page, 1)[
(for: each _response, ...$self_responses)[
(if: $right is true)[\
(align:"==>")+(box:"=XX=")[<div class='right_container'>[_response ]</div>]\
(set: $right to false)\
] (else:) [\
(align:"<==")+(box:"=XX=")[<div class='left_container'>[_response]</div>]\
(set: $right to true)\
]
]
](scroll:?page, 1)[{
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: (passage:)'s name))
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: "That’s right. You’ve always been lazy. That pit that lives in your stomach, it’s there because you know deep down that you’ll never accomplish anything worthwhile. You’re too dysfunctional."))
(display: "Messenger")
}
|=
[[Yep. No point in trying]]
=|
[[Well, you’ll never do anything worthwhile with that attitude.]]
|==|
]
(scroll:?page, 1)
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: (passage:)'s name))
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: "Of course you’re nervous to try again. It feels like you’re one failure away from never leaving the house again."))
(display: "Messenger")
[[It's hard to get back up...]]
(scroll:?page, 1)[
{
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: (passage:)'s name))
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: "You feel a searing pain in your heart. You feel awful, even more than usual. You feel like you’re about to explode."))
(display: "Messenger")
}
(align:"=><=")[[[PondTV-> Guide]]]
]
(scroll:?page, 1)[{
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: (passage:)'s name))
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: "And?"))
(display: "Messenger")
}
|=
[[And it’s understandable that you’re scared.]]
=|
[[And everyone else seems to be doing fine. ]]
|==|
](scroll:?page, 1)[{
A lot of people would be scared in your circumstances. It’s really not all that abnormal. And yeah, maybe you’re not as good at managing fear, but we all have our strengths and weakness.
It pains you to to be so frightened, but there’s hope.
}
[[PondTV -> Guide]]
]
(set: $preactions to $preactions + (a: "go back to school"))(scroll:?page, 1)[{
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: (passage:)'s name))
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: "But you don’t."))
(display: "Messenger")
}
|=
[[People change.]]
=|
[[Here's to being a freak?]]
|==|
](scroll:?page, 1)[{
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: (passage:)'s name))
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: "So you’re the weird one then. Great."))
(display: "Messenger")
}
|=
[[Yeah, you were like this in high school.->Yep. No point in trying]]
=|=
[[You were also like this as a little kid.->Yep. No point in trying]]
=|=
[[You were even like this in the egg.->Yep. No point in trying]]
=|
[[Life is long]]
|==|
](scroll:?page, 1)[
You suppose life is long. At your age, Gordon Ram wasn’t even a shy sous chef yet, and now he’s a super cool celebrity. Maybe when you’re, like, 60 with gray-ass feather you can do something cool.
It pains you that you’ll have to wait that long, but there’s hope.
[[PondTV -> Guide]]
]
(set: $preactions to $preactions + (a: "go back to school"))
(scroll:?page, 1)[{
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: (passage:)'s name))
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: "You frown."))
(display: "Messenger")
}
[[PondTV-> Guide]]
]
(scroll:?page, 1)[{
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: (passage:)'s name))
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: "You know it’s a bad attitude, but this attitude is who you are. You don’t know how to be anyone else.
"))
(display: "Messenger")
}
|=
[[And it's so hard to change.->Yep. No point in trying]]
=|
[[But people do change! ->People change.]]
|==|
]Nina must hate you
You’ve felt like you’re on the verge of throwing up ever since you had your argument. You really might have lost your best friend now, except it’s your own fault. You didn’t predict that.
It couldn't have been that bad, right? Well, maybe it was. You were mean to Nina, and she didn’t really do anything to deserve it besides doing better than you in life. You wish you didn’t have this anger inside of you towards people who were more successful, more social, more talented, but you can’t help it. That’s just human nature. She probably could have done more to not rub her good fortune in your face anyways.
You wonder how badly you hurt her feelings. Even on the pills, it’s painful to think about. Maybe you really are the bad guy in this situation.
You want to apologize, but you don’t know how
[[It’s alright ->go to sleep, drugged]]
(set: $ambitions to $ambitions + (a: "make up to Nina"))
(enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0,transparent,0.0813,#000000,0.3718,#1919e6,0.5758,(hsl:270,0.8039,0.5,0.95),1,#000000)))Flaunt your feathers, a show where fashion designers make new dresses each week based on different challenges. You feel your heart seize.
You don’t know why you decided to watch this show.
You must hate yourself.
You think of [[Nina]].
(set: $shows_watched_today to $shows_watched_today + (a:"Flaunt your Feathers"))Nina is in fashion school. You know [[she’s good at what she does]], even though you don’t know the first thing about clothes. When you see the pieces she makes something in you just… gets it. It’s actually pretty amazing that she could make someone like you feel like you understand something as complex as art.Everyone else thinks Nina is pretty good at fashion, too. You can’t count the number of times she’s come back from class with (link-reveal: "dazzling reviews")[ or new [[friends]]]. Whenever she told you about another successful day, you were happy for her -of course you were- but you’d also feel a nagging feeling deep down inside, one you had trouble identifying. Sure, Nina was good, but did she really [[deserve]] the praise every single day? Could she really be learning anything if no one was ever hard on her?You stopped complimenting Nina’s work around two months ago. It was awkward at first; she would show you a sketch, and you’d say it looked fine. You always felt bad when she looked back at you with that wounded look on her face, but once you started it was hard to stop. You were sick for it, but it felt good. Eventually you convinced yourself that you were helping her, pushing her to be great. What a stupid lie that was. And anyhow, she had other [[friends]] that would compliment her anyways.Nina has a lot of friends. She’s always going to (link-reveal: "parties")[ without you], meeting (link-reveal:"new people")[ without you], (link-replace:"getting drunk")[being irresponsible]. You don’t want to do any of that, (link-replace:"parties")[houses full of people you don't know how to talk you] aren’t your thing, but you do wish you had that many friends. She’s probably having an easier time than you are right now. She has [[other people]]You knew it was only a matter of time before she met someone who saw how spectacular she was. You remember that sinking feeling a few months back, when she told you about the film student she met at one of those parties. They went to a museum on their first date. After you both left the coffee shop, you cried for hours. Nina said she wouldn’t spend less time with you, but you’d seen how this whole relationship thing goes. You were going to lose your best friend.
You’ve never met Nina’s new partner, but you like to imagine what they’re like. Pretentious, boring, droning on and on about the terrible movie they’ll probably never make. It makes you feel a little better, but other times you can’t fool yourself. They’re probably fine, good even; Nina has good taste. They probably like her just as much as you do, but they don’t also sort of [[hate]] her. You could only take it for so long. She didn’t keep her promise. You saw her less and less as time went on, and you spent more and more time alone. How could she leave you like that?
(click: ?Page)[(show: ?p2)]
|p2)[Last Sunday she asked if you wanted to hang out. Part of you wanted to say no; you wish you had. But you agreed, and when she showed up at your apartment her hair was a different color and her makeup was crazy and she wouldn’t look you in the eye. You said she seemed different. She laughed and agreed. You said it wasn’t funny. You hadn’t seen her in a month.]
(click: ?Page)[(show: ?p3)]
|p3)[You regret pretty much everything you said next. A lot of it wasn’t even true, but enough of it was.]
(click: ?Page)[(show: ?p4)]
|p4)[[[you said she was selfish->you said she was selfish]]]
You said (live: 2s)[(either: "she was selfish.", "she was a liar.", "she was flakey", "she was arrogant", "she didn't care about you")]
(click: ?Page)[(show: ?p5)]
|p4)[She picks shallow artsy people all the time, and you didn’t understand why she liked these insufferable people so much.
(click: ?Page)[(show: ?p5)]
]
|p5)[She didn’t know what it was like to be hurt, to fail, to feel so shitty that it’s hard to leave the house.
(click: ?Page)[(show: ?p7)]
]
|p7)[Maybe she belonged with the art students. Maybe she was just like them.
(click: ?Page)[(show: ?p6)]
]
|p6)[(text-style:"blur")[And she looked [[ so...-> Opening, Cacaphony]]]]
(scroll:?page, 1)
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: "You can’t."))
(display: "Messenger")
|=
[[Call her.]]
=|
[[Why not?]]
|==|(scroll:?page, 1)
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: "You REALLY can’t."))
(display: "Messenger")
[[Call her!]]
(scroll:?page, 1)
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: "Because she probably hates you."))
(display: "Messenger")
[[She’s definitely mad at you.]]
(scroll:?page, 1)
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: "STOP."))
(display: "Messenger")
[[ Call her!]](text-style: "shudder")[CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY [[PondTV -> Guide]]CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY [[PondTV -> Guide]] CACOPHONY [[PondTV -> Guide]] CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY [[PondTV -> Guide]] CACOPHONY CACOPHONY CACOPHONY ](scroll:?page, 1)
(set: $self_responses to it + (a: "Of course she is. You were so awful."))
(display: "Messenger")
|=
[[You’re a piece of shit]]
=|
[[You messed up]]
|==|That’s probably true. You feel a searing pain in your heart. You feel awful, even more than usual.
(align:"<==")+(box:"=XX=")[[PondTV-> Guide]]It was a mistake, and a lot of people make mistakes. Maybe it would be worth it to find a way to apologize. You’re not sure she’ll forgive you, but there’s hope.
(align:"<==")+(box:"=XX=")[[PondTV-> Guide]]
(set: $preactions to $preactions + (a: "make up to Nina"))The silent stillness of the ponds doesn’t bother you as much as they usually do, maybe because your mind isn’t completely full of torment today. You’d actually felt hopeful for a moment, which hasn’t happened in awhile. Maybe you don’t need the pills tonight. You set them aside and let your mind [[wander]]The noise is so loud, but something breaks through the caophony.
(if: $preactions contains "go back to school")[[You want to go back to school.]]
(if: $preactions contains "make up to Nina")[[You want to apologize to Nina.]]It would be so difficult to catch up now. All of those missed assignments have been stacking up for weeks at this point, to the point that you’re not even totally sure what you’ve missed. Your heart begins to race.
Maybe you can take it step by step. Life is long. You don’t need to do everything now. You should start by checking your email.
You’re too tired to check your emails tonight. Maybe in the morning.
[[Go to sleep ->go to sleep, sober]]
(set: $actions to $actions + (a:"check your email"))For days now, you’ve been alternating between thinking that you’re an unfixable, awful person and that you were completely in the right. You still feel the urge to do that now, but neither of those are helpful, are they? Both of those thoughts make everything so loud that it’s impossible to actually think about what you actually did wrong, how you could actually improve.
You think about this for a moment.
As much as you want to be angry at Nina, deep down you know that your anger isn’t her fault. She wasn’t shoving her success in your face; she’s just successful. And if you want her in your life, you’ll need to find a way to not envy her so intensely for it.
Maybe you can take it step by step. You messed up, but you don’t need to do everything now. You should start by apologizing to her in person.
You’re too tired to apologize tonight. Maybe in the morning.
[[Go to sleep ->go to sleep, sober]]
(set: $actions to $actions + (a:"apologize to Nina"))
You check your email. It’s almost overflowing. This is too much. You need to just talk to your professors. You have class today, so maybe you just need to go [[outside…]]You look at your phone: No notification. A sinking feeling comes over you. You put it down. Is it really the best idea to do this over the phone? Maybe you should apologize in person. You pick up your phone and text her: “Hey, can I come over this morning? I want to [[apologize]]”.You keep watching the same show all day.
(text-style:"blur")[It becomes a [[blur-> Guide]]]
(set: $shows_watched_today to $shows_watched_today + (a:"Repeat"))(enchant:?page,(text-colour:black)+(bg:white))You feel anxiety seize you as the sunlight hits your face. You keep walking. It’s not as bad as you thought it would be.
The EndSay says that she would like that.
You take a deep breath. It’s time to go [[outside…]]