Posted on by Nick Montfort

Emergency! Please Help!

I really hope this gets to you in time! During a trip to Brookline,
Massachusetts I was robbed — robbed of all poetic impulse. All of the
brilliance of language was stolen from me. My poetic license was taken as
well. I need your help encountering English once again.

I know the unusual diction of this note, the unusual nature of this
request, the fact that I am using more than one exclamation point per
email, and the fact that it is being sent to everyone in my address book
must make it seem like my account was hacked, but I assure you, that’s
not the case!

I’ve made contact with my library but the best they could do was to send
me a poem the mail which will take 3-5 working days to arrive here. I need
you to lend me some words to sort my self out of this predicament.

It would be a great help if you’d just quickly reply (you can use that
“comment” mechanism, below) with a single memorable phrase, or some sort
of short litany or list, or the current contents of your copy and paste
buffer, or a Google search result, or a paragraph, joke, riddle, or even
haiku.

I’ll pay you back as soon as I can!

Thanks,

-Nick

67 Replies to “Emergency! Please Help!”

  9. I may noght strecche up to the hevene / Min hand, ne setten al in evene / This world, which evere is in balance.

  14. I should have been a pair of ragged claws,
    Scuttling across the floors of — the hell with this, let’s go for a beer.

  15. It is not difficult to avoid death, gentlemen; it is much more difficult to avoid wickedness, for it runs faster than death.

  16. don’t you go and cut your hair
    insert text here in brackets
    abandon hope ye who enter here
    i’m selling these fine leather jackets

  17. The rest of us learned to cope. The rest of us recoginzed the danger–of the endless envy of those not blessed. Diana went back to her people. Hal went to the stars. And I have walked the razor’s edge for so long… But you, Bruce–you, with your wild obsession.

  19. The words were spoken.
    I saw that look upon her face.
    There was applause. The seated crowd went wild.
    The words were, ‘You are right.’
    It was the first she’d ever said them.

    Of course. I knew that this would happen.
    There was a pause. A whisper to a child.
    And that look again — love, but of a space beside my head.
    Like being cornered in a dream.
    Like painted augury, in a cracked and peeling world.
    Wrapped up in gauze, and seeping bloody bile

    Thus and thus were we divorced
    From all the things we couldn’t be
    Why on Earth must this have happened so?
    There was no cause. And that’s to put it rather mild.
    There was just… a pause. And a whisper to a child.

  20. The man who was not Terrence O’Grady had come quietly. And that, Sam insisted, was clear proof. Terry had never done anything quietly in his life if there was a way to get a fight out of it.

  22. She probably had a bus seat every God-damn day of her life. She may even have been born on a bus and had a lifetime ticket, and when she died, they’d take her coffin on a bus to the cemetery. It would be painted black of course and all the seats filled with flowers like crazy passengers.
    Some people don’t appreciate how good they’ve got it.

  23. I know, during a trip to Brookline Massachusetts I’ve made contact with Google. All of the brilliance of language, all poetic impulse gets to you once again.

    It will take 3-5 working days encountering English (in) my library
    but I assure you, that’s not the case! You can use that mechanism, and find a single memorable phrase, or some sort of short litany or list, or refill the contents of your copy and paste buffer, or a search result (duh), or a paragraph, joke, riddle, or even haiku.

    I’ll pay you back (google) as soon as I can!

    Thanks,

    -Nick

  26. It’s been a long time that he’s been laughing. To me, it seems like there’s something else I should say.

  28. I really hope this gets to you in time! During a trip to Brookline, Massachusetts was stolen – stolen all the poetic impulse. All the glitter language was stolen from me. My poetic license was taken as well. I need your help once again encountering English.

    I know, an unusual style of this article, this unusual request that I use more than one exclamation point in an e-mail, as well as the fact that he sent to everyone in my address book to make it seem like my account was hacked, but I assure you, it’s not!

    I came in contact with my library, but the best thing they could do is send me a poem-mail, which will take 3-5 working days to arrive here. I need to borrow a few words to me to sort my self out of this predicament.

    It would be a great help if you just answer quickly (you can use that “comment” mechanism below) with a memorable phrase or a short litany or list, or the current contents of your clipboard to copy and paste, or the result of search Google, or item, jokes, riddles, or even a haiku.

    I’ll pay you back as soon as I can!

    Thank you,

    -Nick

  29. I cannot give the reasons
    I only sing the tunes:
    The sadness of the seasons
    The madness of the moons.

  31. I used to be in your position, too. Then I took an arrow to the knee.

  32. Flashblood
    Hyperbolic metamaterials
    Nonconsensual collaboration
    Neural gawkiness
    Panoptiswarm
    Normal misremembering scenario
    Sundae of broken dreams
    Natonalized couchsurfing
    Urban glacier
    Clockwork trees
    Jaguar shamans
    Ghostmodernism

  34. The average time to PhD in the humanities is 9 years. And half drop out. See graphic

  36. Lorem ipsum 2011 (bytes)

    Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Ut sit amet augue varius turpis congue placerat. Sed eleifend, risus eget hendrerit egestas, turpis enim ullamcorper nisi, at lobortis ipsum mauris a sapien. Aliquam nisi sem, malesuada quis mollis vel, venenatis vel tortor. Proin vel ipsum suscipit ante aliquam posuere et placerat sapien. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Suspendisse sit amet rutrum nulla. Donec sit amet mauris sit amet metus sagittis fringilla sed non justo.

    Proin dignissim, ligula at iaculis molestie, nisi tellus venenatis mauris, eu volutpat felis dolor ullamcorper leo. Quisque vel libero erat. Nam volutpat turpis in tortor adipiscing aliquet. Nulla nec nisl sed nibh molestie posuere. Cras et lectus eget turpis ullamcorper pulvinar. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos himenaeos. Aenean elit massa, ultricies ac venenatis blandit, blandit ac tellus. Pellentesque luctus diam vitae lorem facilisis nec pulvinar erat elementum. Praesent enim nibh, adipiscing eu semper et, venenatis a enim. Duis non massa at est luctus tincidunt non et est. Aenean massa dolor, sollicitudin in sodales vel, fermentum at elit. Suspendisse potenti.

    Curabitur blandit lectus volutpat sem cursus at pulvinar elit ultricies. Sed non nisi orci. Aliquam fringilla, massa eget vulputate volutpat, eros eros pretium velit, a fringilla erat purus sed mi. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; In aliquet magna vitae odio mattis quis pulvinar lectus ultricies. Integer at lorem nec quam sagittis consequat. Cras scelerisque felis eget leo egestas eu pulvinar eros porta. Nam ut adipiscing erat. Phasellus justo metus, eleifend eu blandit a, fringilla at lectus. Vivamus vestibulum, tellus at scelerisque molestie, mauris augue faucibus lacus, quis bibendum arcu sapien quis purus. Cras facilisis metus sed nulla sollicitudin at tristique massa luctus nullam.

  38. BOURNEMOUTH UNIVERSITY
    PT HOURS PAYROLL CLAIM (month) (year)

            Tick relevant box                                   
VISITING LECTURER               If self-employed please complete                            
PART-TIME LECTURER              form C/SP                           
CASUAL STAFF

    THIS FORM MUST BE COMPLETED IN FULL AND RETURNED TO SCHOOL/PROFESSIONAL SERVICE BY 7TH OF FOLLOWING MONTH.
    FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH DEADLINE WILL RESULT IN PAYMENT DELAY.
    Title Forename Surname Employee no.
    Home Address
    Daytime Tel. Number School/Professional Service
    Date of Birth National Insurance number
    Gender Male or Female Normal place of Employment
    Bank Details Sort Code – – Reference
    Please highlight any changes to above information.
    Day Date Course Taught or Work Yr of Subject Time Time Hours
    undertaken Course (teaching claim only) From To

                            TOTAL(Hrs)

    Day Date Type of expenses (i.e. Fuel costs, Rail fares, Subsistence etc.) £

    Please note: All Academic staff will automatically join the Teachers’ Pension Scheme unless an opt-out TOTAL (£)
    form is completed and sent to Payroll.
    Casual Non Academic staff are not eligible to join the Local Government Superannuation Scheme.
    I certify that the details given above are correct and that I have personally performed the duties for which payment is claimed.

    Signature of Claimant Date

    Signature of Head of Academic Department or Professional Service Date
    (for teaching claims only)
    School/Professional Service to complete next section :
    Hours / Rate e.g. Account Activity Code Scale/rate if variation
    Expenses £ / flat / double / time & a half or fee Code (Inc. S VAT code)

    Signature of School/Professional Service Authorised Person Date
    FOR OFFICE USE ONLY:

    Input by: Payslip Checked by:

  40. And this was odd, because two Americans re-encountering each other after a certain time in a foreign land are supposed to clamber up their nearest lammposts and wait tremblingly for it all to blow over.

  41. <p>http-equiv=”Content-Type” content=”text/html; charset=UTF-8″</p>

  47. The falcon cannot hear the falconer. Things fall apart. The centre does not hold.

  49. And now was acknowledged the presence of the Red Death. He had come like a thief in the night. And one by one dropped the revellers in the blood-bedewed halls of their revel, and died each in the despairing posture of his fall. And the life of the ebony clock went out with that of the last of the gay. And the flames of the tripods expired. And Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all.

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